Doherty: not as clean as was thought
Potty Pete: I cheated jail drug test. It's the kind of headline that, in the unexpected stakes, ranks alongside Gordon Brown: I got a bit moody. A heroin addict of several years deluding authorities as to the content of his urine? Never, no, can't believe it.
Yet there it is on the front page of today's Daily Star, next to the byline of one Kim Dawson, usually known for her appearances as Kim Dawson in Kim Dawson's Playlist.
"Junkie rocker Pete Doherty has confessed that he cheated jail drug testers with a wee trick.
He emerged from prison boasting he was drug-free - but now admits: 'The only time I tested clean was when I used someone else's piss.'"
Despite their appearance, Doherty's remarks, taken by Kim from this week's NME - presumably with their permission, otherwise expect a story tomorrow reading Kim Dawson: I snuck out NME quotes under burkha - are slightly confusing.
While Pete claims he was "banging it" in jail, he also says he consumed no hard drugs while incarcerated. "There are ways of getting gear in, but how do you get a syringe in?" he is quoted as asking.
Despite not having much experience of these things, In the News can imagine a couple of ways of smuggling a needle into a chokey, and only one involves a little inspected part of the body. And you do wonder why someone would need to cheat a drugs test if they weren't doing drugs in the first place. It'll have to go down in the folder marked "unexplained mysteries".
This morning, we salute Smart Gordon. We do so because today the man behind the Sun's Bizarre gossip column, normally known for his love of breasts and the Fratellis (and perhaps even the Fratellis' breasts) has a genuine actual scoopette.
"Jay-Z has finally broken his silence over the controversy surrounding his Glastonbury festival headline slot," writes Smart Gordon with the excitement of a man who's been stringing this tale out for months and is glad to finally see it go somewhere.
"In an exclusive interview with Bizarre, the Grammy-winner hit back at Noel Gallagher for being narrow-minded."
Yep, it's an outspoken interview ...
Here's what Jigga told Gordon: "We don't play guitars Noel, but hip-hop has put in its work like any other form of music. We have to respect each other's genre of music and move forward.
"I've never been involved in anything this controversial. What's the big deal about doing a show? I guess it's heritage and people hold that dear to their heart and see it one way but that's how the world is."
Of course, one of the main reasons this booking has proven controversial at all is that Smart Gordon has continued to write about it all the time. After finally getting his five minutes with Jigga, though, he appears to have entered a new, philosophical mood.
"Here's the conclusion I have drawn from the debacle," he muses. "One throwaway remark from Noel at a film premiere and the world goes completely mad.
"It shows how so few people have anything remotely interesting or controversial to say these days."
Is it just us, or has this all left Smart Gordon a wiser, more mature man?
Finally, over to our favourites at the Star's The Goss. They are, as regular readers will be aware, the most literate gossip hounds in all of the country and today they put their Flaubertian talents to work on the tale of Usher, Nelly and Kelly Rowland and their £100,000 night out.
The girls write: "While most of us attempt to tighten our belts, it's heartening - or perhaps extremely galling - that R&B stars are still encrusting their gut-garters with rhinestones."
Pausing only to admire the prose and ponder quite what a gut garter is, we move on to pr�cis the contents of the £100k bill, apparently accrued at London's Amika nightclub.
"Kelly started with a Jeroboam (three litres of white gold vintage Dom Perignon"
Price: £16,000
"They then moved on to Methuselahs (six litres)"
Price: £15k
"The trio also took a liking to the comparatively cheap and cheerful Belvedere vodka, mainly because it arrived with sparklers in it."
Price: £1,000
"The bill ratcheted up when DJ Jarren C, agreed to play [the artists' singles] if £5,000 were spent on champagne."
Price: £5,000
So that doesn't quite add up to £100k (it's £37k - simple mental arithmetic - Ed), but there may be unreported multiple "methusaboams" to add to that list. Either way, it's about as related to the average daily experience as buying somebody else's urine. And on that note, we'll leave it for today.
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posted by wickliffp1996 @ 17:46
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